The J.D. Salinger Flowchart
February 2, 2010
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University Delays Throughout the Years
February 1, 2010We were walking through the snow in Farmville this Sunday when, at 2:03 PM, we heard from all directions an animal howl:
“A!@#!@#TXCVE%Y%^UTNBVGW@$@EFVVS%^$&$%^&@!!@#!@#!@~!@GC X!!!!!”
It came from dorms and apartments, campus facilities and professors’ houses. It was the sound of those who had just read the email from Time Pierson that said, despite the ten inches of snow, February 1st, 2o10, would be business as usual on campus.
At 5:08, Pierson sent another email, this time to announce a two-hour delay, which cured another volley of animal howls — and Facebook rants:
“why are we having class at all tomorrow? the roads are still a death trap and i’m sure campus is an icy mess too… this is so stupid, the delay isn’t going to do any good. They need to get people really plowing everything tomorrow so that we don’t have to break our necks to be bored in a class room all day.”
“{…}everyone should friend Tim Pierson on facebook and tell him how we really feel. I seriously hope someone sues the crap out of Longwood!!”
“gotta be fuckin kiddin me…if u walk to class shouldn’t be too bad, but trying to park/find parking in all of this shit is gonna be hell.”
“really Longwood, REALLY!”
“WTF LONGWOOD??? Above freezing during the day + wwwayyy below freezing during the night = SHEETS OF ICE IN THE MORNING, YOU IDIOTS!!! Aaaannndd plows mean absolutely no chance of parking. GREAT!”
What these students fail to remember is that Longwood has a grand tradition of offering the finest liberal arts education — even during the most difficult of times.
To the archives!
April, 1865: “NOTICE: It has come to our attention that The Army of Northern Virginia will be marching through Farmville, followed thereafter by the pursuing Union forces. Thus, Longwood will operate on a two hour delay. Please give yourself additional time to arrive on campus so as not to be trampled, raped, kidnapped, murdered, or robbed.”
October, 1895: “NOTICE: Due to a pagan ritual gone awry, an active volcano has sprouted outside of the Cunningham dorms. All classes, activities and services will open at normally scheduled hours. However, please give yourself additional time to arrive on campus. Do not touch or play in the hot lava. While sublimely beautiful, it is quite lethal, as two students have already demonstrated. We appreciate your cooperation as we work to send this volcano back into the ground.”
February, 1918: “NOTICE: Classes will NOT be canceled because of the so-called flu pandemic. We have received information from the department of health that this is the Spanish Flu. Last time we checked, Longwood University is in Virginia. Not Spain. Nice try, though.”
March, 1952: “NOTICE: Polio is no excuse to miss class. Did it ever stop FDR from accomplishing great things? No.”
April, 1965: “NOTICE: Due to April showers that have caused significant flooding around campus, we May operate on a two hour delay for the next week. Notice the emphasis on may. However, until otherwise stated, all classes, activities and services will open at normally scheduled hours. “
MAY, 1974: “Did you hear that there’s a hail storm of unprecedented proportions scheduled to hit Farmville this Monday? We didn’t, either.“
April, 2001: “It has come to our attention that Ruffner has burned down. We understand if you are unable to take you exam, and all students will recieve passing grades in classes that — HAHAHAHAHAHAH just kidding. All classes, activites and services will open at normally scheduled hours.“
3 Comments | Ridiculousness, Stress | Permalink
Posted by thelongwoodhole
Longwood Monopoly
January 11, 2010
Have you been searching in vain for a board game that reflects the vagaries of your life as a Longwood student? Well, friend, it’s finally here! For this first day of the semester, The Longwood Hole proudly introduces Longwood Monopoly!
That’s right, Longwood Monopoly! The game of campus domination! Check it out!
It’s like Monopoly, but at Longwood! Instead of railroads, there are FABs. Instead of the electric company and water works, you have Janet D. Greenwood Libary and D Hall. Instead going to jail, you go to community college. Instead of luxary tax, you get ridiculous parking tickets. Wow!
Instead of houses, upgrade your property with stolen D Hall cups!
Further upgrade your properties with broken Dell laptops
Even the Chance cards have been customized. They include:
*You dropped that bullshit three credit Art History class for two credits of tennis lessons. Goodbye, difficult semester. Hello, $200 refunded from the registrar.
*Sold textbooks back early. You don’t need to study for exams, anyway. You got this. Collect $200
*Score! You got prescribed hydrocodone. Collect $50 from each player.
*Your new hobby: raiding water fountains of their loose change. Advance token to ARC and collect $20.
*Your friend bets you ten dollars that you won’t expose yourself at D-Hall. Collect $10.
*What’s this? An unlocked dorm room? Is anyone here? Hello? What’s this? Why, hello, Mr. Pocketbook. Collect $300.
*Awesome! You somehow got mailed your grandmother’s social security check. Cash that bitch in for a cool $200.
*Uh oh! Parents make an unexpected visit. Go directly to community college.
*Maybe people will like you if you have a kegger. In your dorm room. Yeah. Loose $300 and go directly to community college.
*Drats! Someone found out that you’re the one writing that campus gossip blog. Pay two hundred dollars for a set of new, unslashed tires.
*Maybe people will like you if you have an iPhone. Pay $100.
*”This is the RA. Open up. Hello? I’m unlocking the door in three…two…” Go directly to community college.
*A quirky prank turns deadly! Pay $200 in legal fees.
*GODDAMMIT! Pay $100 for raised tuition.
*You smuggle four hard-boiled eggs out of D Hall. You put them in the mini-fridge and, two weeks later, enjoy them as a snack. Pay $200 in medical fees and go directly to community college.
Now, we know what you’re thinking: what about Community Chest? That doesn’t exist at Longwood! Does it?…
It does! Tim Pierson’s campus-wide emails reveal both the fortunes and the falls of students. This is especially true for players of Longwood Monopoly, where lots of whacky things can happen from his emails. For example:
*Your frat is losing its charter. Lame. Pay $50.
*Huzah! You got elected to SGA. Go to Macado’s and lose $50.
*Hehehe…A pizza delivery guy got mugged by frat guys. Life is rad. Go have a beer Mulligan’s.
*For shame! Your bid for the SGA senate was a failure. Go to Mulligan’s and lose $100.
*Your TV got stolen. Spend $50 on a replacement.
*It has rained for two weeks straight. Get to higher ground! Go to Curry and Frazer!
*Rash of break-ins at the Village over break! Collect $50 from each player.
*You provide information that leads to an arrest. Collect $100 — you dirty snitch!
*D Hall will be closed this weekend. Go to Wing Shak and lose $20.
*They found out who keeps putting suds in the Brock Commons Fountain. Go directly to community college.
*Swine flu outbreak. Go to the Cunninghams and remain there for your next turn.
*It’s Spring Weekend. Ohmagawd. Go to Sunchase and collect $200. Be safe and responsible.
*Holy fucking shit! Ruffner’s on fire! Get over there and see it for yourself!
Play Longwood Monopoly with the token that fits you best. Here’s what you have to choose from:
CHI commendation
the FAB
Red hot branding iron
A cursive L
Unlike Virginia Techopoly and Uvaopoly, this game is not available for mass purchase. What you’ve just seen is the prototype. However, we would be happy to lend it to you. Or, if you have twelve hours to spare, you can make a copy for yourself! Either way, we hope you will get a chance this semester to play Longwood Monopoly, where the choice is play, or be played!
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
A Holiday Mystery
December 22, 2009
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
Come to Jesus Talks
December 9, 2009On the verge of flunking out? Scared of a future without college, a future where you’re unsupported by your parents and government loans? It’s time to put aside all shame and self-consciousness and engage in a Come to Jesus Talk with the professors.
Let’s examine the parlance of the different approaches:
Repentant: “I have learned so much this semester.” “I will be much more responsible.” “Please, for the love of God, don’t fail me.” “I’ll never let you down again. Ever. I promise.” “You can count on me. I have had, like, such a rough semester.” “I understand now about the whole attendance policy thing.”
Life and Death: “I’ll be out on the street if I fail your class.” “My daddy’s gonna, like, hurt me, physically, if I fail your class.” “I can’t fail. Please.”
Disgust: “I couldn’t get most of the work done because I’ve had a tapeworm. Here — I brought a piece of it in this jar to show you…”
Embarrassment: “I got picked on this semester, cause I’m a ginger.”
Cockiness: “Okay. You really need me in this department. I am more than competent and interested in this major. I just can’t consistently wake up at eight in the morning. I’m sorry. However, this whole attendance policy is bullshit and you know it. Now just count my test grades, which are superlative, and let’s all have a fabulous holiday season, okay?”
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
Ever Wonder How Much/Little Your Professor Earns?
December 7, 2009Go here for the full database, courtesy Virginia Tech’s Collegiate Times. Here are the top earners at Longwood:
1 Comment | Money, Professors | Permalink
Posted by thelongwoodhole
BoV votes to increase tuition for 2010 semester
December 6, 2009The Longwood Board of Visitors voted to increase tuition by 4.5% in the Spring semester, according to an email sent by SGA president Cam Patterson. This increase is due, Patterson said, to state stimulus funds that the university has not received:
We were supposed to receive stimulus funding from the state to help with operation cost, but we have not received those funds and there is no clear cut sign that we will receive that money at all. The 4.5% increase will result in a 7$ [sic] per credit hour tuition increase and 105$ [sic] total for those taking 15 credit hours. This money will help to alleviate the burden that has been brought about due to the lack of stimulus funding. This increase only helps us to cover the operating cost for this year.
The BoV also voted to raise the comprehensive fee a dollar per credit hour to finance the hiring of a One Card Manager. Patterson wrote:
The One Card is something that has been discussed for the past 10 years. This card will act like a debate [sic] card and students / faculty and staff will be able to use it at various vendors around town and to pay certain bills on campus. Parents can place money on the card via a online source or the parent/student can have the cashiering office do it. The total price will be $15 per student. Vendors like Kroger’s, CVS, McDonald’s, Subway and a few others have already bought into this service.
Patterson added that the tuition rates do not yet reflect impending budget cuts. “We still have to focus on the cuts that will be levied by the Governor on December 18th and the General Assembly when they convene for session. These cuts will impact tuition for the 2010-2011 academic year.”
2 Comments | Money, Professors | Permalink
Posted by thelongwoodhole
Your Friday Debt Report
December 4, 2009
Sure, it’s hard to find a job these days — but it all evens out, because now you get out of school with more debt!
Yesterday, The Roanoke Times reported that sixty-three percent of the 2008 Longwood graduates finished in debt an average of $14, 935 each. Out of the fifteen public institutions in the state, this is third worst: Radford and Old Dominion were first and second, respectively.
The article includes the full report, which was conducted by Matt Reed of Institute for College Access and Success. According to the arcticle:
The report is one of many tools parents and students can use to decide on the best school for them, said Matt Reed, author of the report and program director for the institute.
Reed said the report demonstrates that families and students should look at more than the sticker price of tuition and compare financial aid packages and the estimated total cost of attendance including housing, all of which can vary widely from school to school.
Yeah. And as we’ve already learned, Longwood is already on the verge of overpricing itself out of its market of small public schools. Thus, further raising tuition rates will be detrimental both to potential students and to current students who must bear more debt in a dismal job climate.
Have a great weekend!
1 Comment | Money, Professors | Permalink
Posted by thelongwoodhole
